Happy Halloween!

I actually hate Halloween. I mean, I used to love it...when I was 9. Unfortunately I don't like to dress up anymore because, you know, I'm an adult. But Halloween is cool when there are kids around, or when you're in need of a slutty French Maid, slutty Cat woman, or slutty Sarah Palin.

I'm not in need of that, but I do have two nephews that are at the perfect age for the holiday. However, because of traffic conditions and working conditions I couldn't make it down to hang out with them. I was very bummed. Luckily, Pamie filled in and we had a delightful dinner. Judging by our scientific survey of waiters, waitresses, and "The Office" last night, the Joker as played by a dead guy was easily the most popular costume this Halloween.

Anyway, McGee and McGruder were both dinosaurs this year. Toots loves dinosaurs. He was a T-rex, and Tooter was a Triceratops...


Now, you have to feel a little bad for Tooter here. See, he's the younger brother. He has to go along with whatever older brother Toots is in to. He has to put up with whatever little whim Toots has. So this year, he's basically forced to be a dinosaur. 

And last year, guess what Toots was into? Sharks. So this happened...

Mad Men Season 2 Finale

Hi guys. Sorry, been working a lot. And by working I mean paying non-stop attention to the election. But I don't feel like writing about that cause it's too annoying and not worth it. I just want it to be over with, enough already...but I am reserving the right to go on some crazy rant about it because I might not be able to help it.

Anyway, the finale of the 2nd season "Mad Men" was Sunday night. I've watched every single episode of this show since it started, and I honestly don't know if I love the show or hate it. I'm seriously still trying to figure it out. But I think the finale sort of tipped me off to what it is:

I think I 70% hate it and 30% love it. I love all of the stuff in the office, everything to do with advertising, pitching ideas, romances, Joel Murray's zipper music, office politics, etc. I hate everything else. Much like Don Draper's wife Betty, I hate their kids. Don't care about them. I hate Betty's horse riding, as well as her other man riding. I hate Colin Hanks (but just in this show and everything else he's in). I hate Pete Campbell's wife and her wanted pregnancy. I hate Pete Campbell and Peggy's unwanted pregnancy. I hate Joan's fiance (especially his disturbing ideas on love making).

The reason the finale showed me the light on this is that I pretty much didn't like it, except for one scene that was ridiculously awesome. The episode was like many others, not much happened. I believe there's a fine line between restrained and boring. But this one scene was fantastic, and summed up why I have seen every single episode. And I guarantee you know right now what scene I'm talking about.

It was the meeting between the new ownership, Duck, Don, Silver Haired Dude, and the Guy who hates shoes. They were discussing the merger and announcing that Duck was gonna be President. Don says nothing. Finally, Guy who hates shoes asks: "Don, what do you think?" And Don very cooly says, it sounds great, but I don't wanna be a part of it. Duck blows up and says he has to honor his contract. Calmly, Don goes "I don't have a contract". Boom! For the kids: booya! Don walks out, Duck knows he's fucked, loses his shit, and that's why I can't wait for season 3.

A few other notes:

Did you watch the thing after? The episode was 50 minutes long with only one commercial break, and then after they showed the Wrap Party with interviews of the actors. The actors were like, completely different people. They looked nothing like the characters they play. It was really weird and made me realize that these motherfuckers can act.

There's a character in the show who is gay but is married. He has to hide his sexuality. Matthew Weiner is the creator and writer of the show. He's married. That's all I'm gonna say about that.

There's a story out that Lionsgate is looking for a new showrunner to replace Matthew Weiner because Weiner is asking for too much money. He supposedly wants $10 million dollars a year. Dude, your show is on AMC. This ain't the Sopranos. And despite what you read in Entertainment Weekly or see at the Golden Globes, nobody watches it. It gets less than a million viewers per episode. To put this in perspective:

DL Hughley's new show on CNN - on Saturday night mind you - got almost 2 million viewers. DL Hughley doubles "Mad Men". That's the sad state of America. People are dumb and don't know what's good and what sucks. Guess that's why McCain is still hanging close in the polls. Whoops. Sorry, just came out.

But anyway my point is: Weiner needs to wake up and smell the ratings, and stop being a wiener.

72 Years Young, My Friends

On a side note, who is the hot Asian girl standing right there and what the hell is she doing in Moon, Pennsylvania?

I Gotta Admit, It's Pretty Awesome Being a Writer in Hollywood

I don't wanna toot my own horn, but my mom says that I have very "handsome blue eyes".  She's said it more than a few times actually, so I got that going for me, which is nice. I wore a blue shirt to work the other day, and I was standing backstage right before the show with our Host. One of our guests was this girl, Kat Von D - don't know if you know who this is, but I think she's involved in the tattoo industry.

So she walks backstage and sees me and the Host standing next to each other. She looks at me, and then the Host, and she says to him:

"That guy's shirt brings out your eyes"

My New Favorite Shirt

Please excuse the gangsta pose...

So This Is What Hell Is Like...

I was at a bar last night, and there were several girls there with horrible tattoos (not sure yet what "good" tattoos look like, but go with me here). So I turn to the girl next to me - who was a friend of a friend I just met - and I asked her if she had any tattoos. Here is exactly what was said:

ME: Do you have any tattoos?

HER: Yeah. Just one. On my wrist.

(She turned her wrist over to reveal a tattoo of a star. Coincidentally, to get into the bar we were stamped on the under side of our wrists with a star, so she now had two stars)

ME: Oh, that's cool. Not too crazy.

HER: Yeah, I got it with the intention of removing it later.

ME: Really? Why?

HER: I just think it's weird to have a tattoo when you're older.

ME: I guess, but that one isn't too bad.

HER: Still...I'm gonna get rid of it when I'm old, probably when I'm like 30.

ME: Oh, that reminds me, I have to download a new app for my Iphone.

HER: Which one?

ME: The one that turns it into a razor so I can kill myself cause I'm so old.

Thank God We Don't Have to Worry About Racism Anymore

I know how much you love these completely depressing videos! This is from Al Jazeera English, which is weird. But it doesn't really change the crazy...



Well at least Sarah Palin is filled with the Holy Spirit, which is nice.

Debate Reaction From a Dumb Person

Here is what a dumb person (or at least, intellectually dishonest person) says happened at the debate tonight:

"I saw what I saw, and McCain won on the issues. He won on character. He won on not letting the Obama campaign's cynical accusations of racism go unremarked. Most of all, he won on being present in the room, unlike the remote-controlled, talking-point-powered smirkbot."

"Obama campaign's cynical accusations of racism"? What exactly are those? See, this particular dummy likes to think Obama is crying racism all the time, which I have never heard once. This is something he will constantly bring up. In fact, when someone made up a fake Michelle Obama quote concerning racism today, he took the red meat and immediately posted it on his blog as if it were true. Easy there, guy.

The last part is the funny one to me - "smirkbot"? Uh, he wasn't the one doing the eye rolling or the infamous "snake tongue" all night.

But the dummy doesn't stop there...

"I promised to keep a count of Obama's annoying facial tics, which were more or less pronounced depending on how big the truth he was hearing from McCain. It's not a complete count, since I was typing away and approving clever comments and such, but I tallied: 8 smirks, 2 smirks with chuckle chasers, 2 sarcastic smiles, 1 smirk with headshake, 1 not-quite-a-smirk (by a nerve ending or two), 1 Clintonesque frown..."

Yeah, really. McCain was dropping truth bombs, y'all! And Obama couldn't take all the truth that was being dropped on him! Word. And also this...

"He got inside Obama's head, you could tell. And unlike when Palin did it six weeks ago today, we got to watch Obama's reaction on live TV. By the end of the debate, only one of them was smiling."

Oh yeah, McCain was all up inside his head. He dominated him! Made Obama look like a straight fool! Except, here's what the post debate numbers looked like (he says you can't believe the post-debate polls because they come from the mainstream media. But let's check them out just for fun, okay?):

Among independent voters in the CNN poll, Obama won 57-31, essentially matching his advantage from among all viewers.

MediaCurves independents: Obama 60, McCain 30.

CBS undecideds: Obama 53, McCain 22.

Before the debate:

McCain: 54 favorable / 34 unfavorable

Obama: 42 favorable / 42 unfavorable

After the debate:

McCain: 50 favorable / 48 unfavorable

Obama: 72 favorable / 22 unfavorable

Meanwhile, virtually the entire Frank Luntz focus group on Fox News, which was staged tonight in Miami, said that Barack Obama won the debate. Luntz termed it a "clear majority," but not one person raised their hand when asked if they thought McCain won.

Guess that's why the dummy doesn't want to listen to the polls...

Okay, here's what I don't understand...who are these "Right Wing Bloggers"? Who the fuck are these idiots? Are they real people? They couldn't be. They've got to be little Hannity robots or something. Blah blah blah Bill Ayers!

I've tried to talk to this particular dummy and he is unable to answer the simplest of questions. It's all very odd. Because the truth is, I know he's not dumb. And I know he's being intellectually dishonest when he writes on his hate filled blog every day. For some reason it really bothers me. I'm voting for Obama, but I can admit faults in the man and the party. I don't understand or trust anyone who can't do the same.

I think Seinfeld said it best: who are these people?

The Pick Up Artist Is Back!

I felt like I should've notified about this, instead of just stumbling on it like some regular citizen...but anyway, the second season of "The Pick Up Artist" has just started on VH1. And guess who has returned as Mystery's wing man again this year? Matador! Yes, Matador. If you can overcome Matador's hair and calling yourself Matador and get tons of chicks, you know you've got game...or at least a system to trick girls that possibly includes hypnosis.

My sister thinks this "game" would never work on her. Yeah right, if she and a certain someone had ever been at the 12 Street Bar at the same time, she would have become Mrs. Matador, and Toots' name would be Matatoots. I am way too excited about this show's return. So if you missed the first season, and want to know what this is all about, check it out...

Funny Video For the Weekend

Well, it was a rough week, especially if you're the Stock Market or John McCain. So I thought I'd provide some humor as we take the next two days to gear up for more fun times next week. Now, I realize that no one seems to like when I play videos, but screw you! This is my blog and I do what I want. Plus, if you don't laugh at this video, and I mean, belly laugh, then you have no soul. Or maybe it means you do have a soul and I don't, I'm not sure.

But anyway, Toots McGee recently learned to ride a bike. And despite some very difficult trial and error, the kid is now Lance Armstrong with two nuts. Unfortunately, the boy in this video wasn't so lucky. Why would you teach your kid to learn how to ride a bike on a downhill slope? I don't know. But I'm glad these people did. Yes, it's horrible. Yes, it's evil. But no, I cannot stop watching and laughing at this thing. Have a great weekend!


Little Kid on Bike Rides Into Pole - Watch more free videos

Tourette's Syndrome is Always Funny, Except When It's Creepy

One side of my apartment faces other apartments and the street. The other side is on an alley. On that side I have a sliding glass door that leads to a small deck where I frequently barbecue ribs. I keep that sliding glass door open at all times, because there's no possible way for bad guys to come in that way and because it's LA and the weather is nice. Fuck your "seasons", dummies, just admit that your ass is cold and move out here.

For many months, I thought I had an angry neighbor because every once in awhile I'd be sitting on my couch, peacefully watching "The Bachelor" or "Lost" or "Cathouse" and suddenly I'd hear "FUCK!!!". I could never figure out where it was coming from. But then I started noticing a very strange woman who was constantly roaming the alley.

She's tall, really skinny, long thin brown hair and pale white skin. And she's old, not really old, but she looks like life has beaten the shit out of her. It seems like she just walks back and forth in the alley constantly. That's all she does, back and forth with no destination in mind. 

And then one day, I was walking down there and I see her. I keep walking, and then she SCREAMS! Really loud, and really short. I jumped out of my shoes, and my nuts went into my stomach. I looked at her, but she just kept walking and smoking her cigarette, like nothing happened.

So I stopped and watched her walk. 30 seconds later, she did it again. But it wasn't just a scream, it was accompanied by a leg kick. You know the Michael Jackson circa "Billy Jean" leg kick? Like that, but more out to the side. With the foot shake too though.

I was simultaneously frightened, creeped out, saddened, and filled with joy. This is a miserable woman, and a scary woman, but there's just no getting over the fact that Tourette's Syndrome is funny. It just is.

The mystery of the cursing neighbor was solved. And now I look at her as part of the charm of my neighborhood. She's like my Kramer, but instead of barging into my apartment with a funny entrance and eating my food and coming up with wacky inventions, she just cusses very loudly and does Michael Jackson kicks (with accompanying foot shake).

We Get the President We Deserve

This is from the glorious state of Ohio. And it's really, really scary.

John McCain Has A Lot of Friends

That shit was boring.

It always amazes me how smooth these guys can be when they are given a question, any question, and transition it into whatever they want to talk about. Actually, it's not smooth so much as it is ballsy. I think I have too much respect for authority not to answer someone's question. I have this strange compulsion not to bullshit and give people answers...it has not served me well in life.

Speaking of ballsy, it's also crazy to distort someone's position right in front of them, even after they've stated it very clearly in front of the world a thousand times. We've heard McCain and Obama's talking points ad nauseam now, and yet they have the nerve to try and twist shit around. For example, McCain keeps saying "Barack Obama wants to declare war on Pakistan!" Well, obviously that's not true. Obama keeps saying if Pakistan is harboring terrorists, he reserves the right to go in and get them. Which interestingly enough, is what we are already doing, practically everyday. Yet McCain keeps saying it, but he adds a "my friends" to it so that makes it folksy and not condescending at all.

It's also weird that we have these debates and there's not even any real debating going on. I'd like to see these two ask each other some questions. Maybe then we could get some of the answers we all really want - like Barack answering these Bill Ayers attacks, or John McCain defending the Palin pick. Seriously, why can't Barack ask McCain: do you really think Sarah Palin is ready to be President? How much did you know about her before you did it? Did you even know about the accent?

But actually, I want to end this with something important about Sarah Palin. I want to apologize to her.

I wrote some things in my last post that have turned out to be false. As you may remember, I was heavily critical of the Governor for her "anti-science" views, particularly her claims that humans and dinosaurs coexisted on Earth.

Well, a discovery has recently been made near the southern coast of the northern hemisphere. You've probably seen it in the news, and it's a stunning scientific find. It turns out, Sarah Palin is right. Dinosaurs did roam the Earth with humans. In fact, the two might possibly have had some inter-species relations.

And so, because the photo evidence is so indisputable, Governor Palin, I am deeply sorry.






Archeologists Louis and Mary Leakey have named him, "Tyrannasaurus Toots McGee"

The Palin Challenge

Well, that debate was a big waste of time. I don't understand, what is the point of having these two run through their talking points without any follow up questions? What is the point of asking questions that are simply ignored? Sarah Palin doesn't understand what Achilles Heel means and instead talks about her strengths, and it is left alone. She thinks the question "name an issue you've changed your mind on" means "name an issue you've been forced to cave on", and in this format, there are no repercussions. That was just a pointless exercise...doggone it.

Palin actually said it, literally: "I'm not going to answer the questions". Well, that's not really helpful, gosh darn it. This was her exact quote: "And I may not answer the questions that either the moderator or you want to hear, but I'm going to talk straight to the American people and let them know my track record also". Also, lots of "also's".

It's all very disappointing. What's the stat? Something like: since the VP's were announced, Biden has done 80 interviews and Palin has done 3 (2 of which were full blown disasters, 1 was with Sean Hannity). Say it ain't so, Joe! They don't want her talking, unless she can talk in prepared speeches with no follow up questions. And that's what the debate was. This is a politician who can turn "what newspapers do you read?" into "gotcha journalism". We all see what's going on, yet there are many Republicans still pretending like McCain's choice wasn't the craziest thing in the world.

And I'm dying to understand this! As I said, I'm no big Barack guy - not a lot of experience, pretty darn liberal, he's one of Oprah's favorite things. I liked McCain. I could've voted for McCain. And now I can't. And I think a lot of people can't either as long as she's involved. My question is: who is still on board with this? Who thinks this is a good idea? In my quest to figure this out, I have talked to some Republican "folks" seeking an understanding.

Unfortunately, I can't get an answer from them. Because when I bring this up, they don't talk about Palin. They won't talk about Palin. I'll ask "doesn't it scare you that she's not a believer in science?" They will answer this by saying how great it is that she's "pissing off liberals". Or I will ask "isn't bad that she can't answer simple questions from that noted hard hitting journalist, Katie Couric? And they will respond, "Biden says dumb stuff too". Not exactly a ringing endorsement. She could be the Vice President and she thinks that 6,000 years ago people and dinosaurs roamed the Earth together! Seriously. How is this not being laughed out of here?

I know I don't have a lot of readers here, but I really want to understand this whole phenomenon. I feel like I'm on the Truman show and everyone is pretending. It's how I feel when people say their dog shits in the house, they have to get up at 4am to walk it, they have to give it shots twice a day, or take it to the vet at $400 bucks a visit, and then say that having a dog is so awesome. Did you just hear yourself? That's a lie and you know it!

So this is the Palin challenge: If you're voting Republican, please leave a comment how anyone can honestly think Sarah Palin in the White House is a good idea. I think Jon who reads this is a Republican, maybe he'll have an answer. Or anyone else out there who has some solid reasoning other than "screw the elitist liberals". Just give me an issue, or a character trait, I don't know, just give me something that I can wrap my head around. And gosh golly gee, if you have any idea why she talks with a Wisconsin accent and uses expressions from the 1950's, that would be helpful "also".

If you don't get it either, feel free to join me with your confusion on this matter. Thank you.

Only Women and Con Men Find Her Attractive

This is another Hollywood lady that is thrust upon us because she is okay enough for women to find cute and yet homely enough that women can still feel better about themselves. You know, like Nicole Kidman, or Miley Cyrus, or Sarah Jessica Parker. But we're not buying, Hollywood. She is not hot. This is a community service message, because none of us wants another Maggie Gyllenhaal like debacle on our hands.