Pedophilia

When I came to this glitzy city of angels, I almost immediately succumbed to the pressure and began dating an actress. However, I didn't really take her acting career that seriously because she was also an accountant.

Yes, she had a head shot, yes she was taking acting class, yes she'd go on auditions, yes she was insane, all qualities of an actress... but she also did people's taxes for a living. In my naivete, I kinda thought that meant she was an accountant (I was new in town).

I shook my head as she decided to "learn bar tending". You see, her "day job" was interfering with her auditions. She needed a night job so she could be free during the day to pursue her "real career". She would go to the dumpsters outside bars and nightclubs to find empty liquor bottles to learn her new trade. Necessity is the mother of invention, friends.

Pretty soon, to my shock and amazement, she started getting acting jobs. Mostly commercials. Unfortunately, I got tired of dramatic monologues and watching crappy versions of Neil Simon plays and of hanging out with someone who dug through dumpsters, and I bowed out of the relationship.

After the break up, she started getting bit parts in TV shows - even portraying the girlfriend of a guy who has become a huge star. And after several more years, she landed a leading role on a weekly show. Now people look in her dumpsters...just cause they're, you know, crazy.

I am very happy for her. Proud, even. But I'm also a little disturbed. No, I'm a lot disturbed. I'm completely freaked out about it. Why?

Because the part she is playing is of a high school student. More specifically, she is playing a character who is 15 years old. 15! This was my girlfriend and she passes for 15. That can't be good. If I existed only on TV, I'd be a statutory rapist. A pedophile. I'm Jerry Lee Lewis! Or Elvis. I prefer Elvis. It's funny though, those guys on "To Catch a Predator" never resemble Elvis.

I can't totally blame myself though. It's a little crazy, because:

She is 35 years old.

I've Been Censored

The internet has allowed everyone to "have a voice". Anybody can now get online, start up a blog, and voice their opinion. Supposedly, this is an awesome thing. Unfortunately, many people's voices are uninformed, racist, or even worse, not funny.

This has been a tremendous democratization of our society. And it seems like most people who do get online and do voice their opinion are really into freedom and openness, to the point of just stealing copyrighted material because it's "free".

Ironically, many of these people, when it comes to themselves, and their blog, are fascists. They don't really wanna hear a dissenting opinion. They want to get into a discussion with like minded people and hear stuff that makes them feel better, and make them feel like they're right.

There was a young lady who used to come on my blog and make comments. She was, for the most part, a fan of mine and had nice things to say. I appreciated that, and so I went on her blog to read her stuff...

And to my horror, I went on her blog and discovered that she is the most racist person in the world! It was a little surprising, especially since she's black.

For some reason, I felt a personal responsibility to correct her on her insane, insulting posts. Nothing too rude, just comments that would point out where she was mistaken or not considering something. Sometimes I would ask her questions about why she felt a certain way, or what evidence she had, and of course she would never be able to answer.

Now you may be asking yourself: "why do that? why not just leave her alone? don't you have better things to do?"

The answer to that is "no, no I don't". I have some incredible need to help the crazy, and way too much time on my hands - it's a dangerous combination.

So anyway, recently I posted a comment and she deleted it! And then she put a thing on there where she reviews comments and then posts only the ones she wants. Unbelievable. I thought this was the free internet, where everyone has a voice, all opinions and perspectives are welcome? Very upsetting.

So what was the comment that got me censored?

Well, she wrote a post about how there's a double standard with men and women (no shit), and how women are forced to be skinny and men are allowed to be fat. A big thing she always does is claim women and/or black people are forced to do things by white men. White men are always the devil and able to force women and minorities to do horrible stuff - like be skinny and healthy and attractive.

Her example was State of Play, and how Russell Crowe is fat in that movie, and Rachel McAdams is so skinny.

In general, I agree with the point. However, I had to correct her on something she failed to notice. It wasn't a big deal, wasn't mean, it was just a fact that she didn't consider.

Here is the comment that was deleted by her fascist regime:

"I think you're forgetting that Viola Davis' fat ass is in State of Play".

Swine Flu. Or as (Insert Name of Fat Lady) Calls it, Flu.

That joke keeps going through my head, and I keep waiting for someone to do it. And then I realized why no one will do it: There's no great, reliable, "pig" lady anymore.

It used to be you could go to Rosie O'Donnell. Or even in the '90's, Kirstie Alley. This decade, it became Star Jones. She ruined that by stapling her stomach and getting not famous. Who's the go to fat lady? Who?!

We're a nation in crisis, people. We're losing our mockable fat ladies! They're becoming an endangered species, like the bald eagle or the wooly mammoth or the Lindsay Lohan.

The problem is you need someone who is fat, but also someone who is a bit despicable so it gives us the permission to laugh at them. I miss when it was, for a short, golden age, Britney Spears. That was a special time. She'll always be the giant fat bald lady to me, no matter how much she's drugged and forced to be a normal famous member of society.

So Swine Flu, or as Britney Spears calls it, flu.

Maybe it doesn't make as much sense, maybe it's not as funny, but despicable fat ladies are hard to come by.

Video Delightfulness for the Weekend

I keep thinking about this video and laughing about it. I guess it's been around for awhile, but I saw it for the first time yesterday. It is fantastic.

So let's just sit back, relax, enjoy our weekend, think of the promise of the upcoming summer, and savor this...

Stuff the Media Loves No Matter What Even Though It Sucks

There are things in entertainment that can seemingly do no wrong as far as the "media" is concerned. There is a certain group of actors, actresses, movies, etc. who for some reason or another are the chosen ones. Many times it is because these people/things don't think too highly of themselves and aren't that famous/successful. They are beloved as long as they don't get too popular. It's like the band Green Day. Their fans loved Green Day...until everyone else started loving them. For some reason, we don't like things to get too big for their britches.

But some of these "hidden gems", actually suck. Yes, they're not hugely famous, and that's because they shouldn't be. They are not under rated, they are quite properly rated, thank you.

So this is one type of "thing" I'm talking about.

The other type of thing is the thing where no one has actually watched the thing in question, but they've heard good things. And thus they pretend like that thing is awesome, even though I am very convinced they've never watched it.

An example of this is Craig Ferguson. If you read Entertainment Weekly, you'd think this guy was a genius. But if you've ever watched his show, you'd know that he is an abortion with an accent. Just terrible. I defy anyone to sit through 5 minutes of his show. And yet, I read and hear people saying they enjoy Craig Ferguson's show and "what he does". They are liars. They have never watched Craig Ferguson, but they have heard that others do (who are also liars) and want to sound cool.

The chosen ones fall into these two categories in my opinion - perceived to be underrated, or never actually seen. So without further ado, here is a partial list (off the top of my head at 1am, I'll get angry for the weeks to come as I think of more) of people and things that the media loves even though they suck.

Zooey Deschanel (is almost the sole reason for the existence of this list)
The movie "Adventureland"
Debra Messing
The aforementioned Craig Ferguson
Chris Simms (NFL QB)
While we're at it, Brett Favre
The Big Bang Theory
Tim Burton
Movies with subtitles
Tom Bergeron
Jim Jarmusch
joseph Gordon Levitt (doesn't suck, but let's all settle down)
Parker Posey
The Electoral College
Christian Bale's portrayal of Batman, particularly the voice he uses
Everyone with the last name "Gyllenhaal"
The movie "Notorious"
New Orleans
Babies from Africa/China
Audrina Patridge
Bill Murray in dramas
Kevin Smith/Robert Rodriguez
Kate Walsh
The Atlantis Resort in the Bahamas
Oscar De La Hoya for the last 10 years
College basketball

That's all I got for now, I have to go to sleep...

The War is Over...And I Won

In the year 2005 on this blog, I declared war on Mischa Barton. Poor, untalented, Mischa. At the time she was the star of a hit TV show, and threatening to leave it to "pursue her movie career". She was even appearing on Maxim's hottest girls list. I was outraged.

Well now it's 2009, and after four long years of struggle, I can safely declare victory...

I'm Confused About Tea Bagging

So there's this awkward, nonsensical protest going on called Tea Bagging. Apparently, these people are mad about taxes. Thus, they've organized themselves (tea stands for Taxed Enough Already), and "protested" today by showing up at public places and throwing tea bags everywhere.

Let's never mind the fact that these people don't really make much sense - I think it's just people who still can't believe Obama won. They have nowhere to throw their anger and hatred so they've kind of concocted this strange thing. But that's not what I'm confused about.

I'm wondering: do they know what tea bagging is? I mean, do they know what it's a euphemism for? I was gonna post this awhile ago, but then I thought that everyone was in on the joke. But now I've gone back on that and I'm just totally confused.

To be clear: Tea Bagging is putting your nuts on someone's face.

We all know that, right? That's tea bagging. We've all done it, we've all enjoyed it...but do these people know it? I still can't figure it out. It's like starting a protest group called "Rim Job", or "Salad Tossers", or "Cock Suckers" or "Donkey Punch" or "Dirty Sanchez" or "Stinky Hitlers".

I think the MSNBC people are snickering when they say "tea bagging", but again, I can't really tell. And every time I hear someone on the news say "tea bagging" I start laughing and wonder how they're even allowed to say it. That's when I think maybe not everyone knows what "tea bagging" is.

I don't know. One thing is for sure though: Tea Bagging is fun...no, not tea bagging as in throwing tea bags at a protest, or even having testicles placed on your face. No.

Placing your testicles on a face, that's the fun part.

A Picture Equation

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Toots McGee Shows Off His Easter Eggs

"I Live My Life a Quarter Mile at a Time"

Anyone know who said that? Anyone?

Why it's Dominic Toretto/Vin Diesel from the original "THE Fast and THE Furious". Somehow they've made four of those movies now. I've seen parts of the first, and was recently forced to see the most recent installment. It's number one at the box office and made a shit load of money. I was reading Entertainment Weekly and someone wrote a letter to the editor about how Hollywood needs to "get back to good scripts and storytelling". Uh, no. That's not what the people want, sir. They want cars and girls kissing, I saw it first hand.

"I live my life a quarter mile at a time"

I hate that line so much. I use it all the time, it's a symbol of all that is horrible in Hollywood. Every time I think about it I get weirded out. It's how I felt about every line of dialogue uttered by Kate Hudson in "Almost Famous".

How can anyone say it with a straight face? It makes me cringe inside with uncomfortableness. It's the way my friend feels about this line from Nelly Furtado's "Promiscuous":

Is that the truth or are you talking trash?/Is your game MVP like Steve Nash/

Of course there is a long history of lines like this. Keanu Reeves has the ability to take normal sentences and make them uncomfortable. Perhaps the most famous is from "Point Break":

"Bohdi, this is your wakeup call! I am an F-B-I agent!"

It doesn't seem like much written down, but that's why Keanu's got the goods. "Point Break" is actually a gold mine:

"100 percent pure adrenaline!"

"I caught my first tube today...sir"

"Back off Warchild, seriously"

"Vaya con dios, brah"

Of course, the difference between this and "The Fast and the Furious" is that "Point Break" is great.

The one from "Speed" that always gets me for some reason is this:

"It's cans. It's okay. It's just cans".

I don't know why, it's something in the way he says "cans". He says can the you pronounce James Caan's last name.

Brad Pitt used to have a lot more Keanu in him. He's improved. But he had a line from "Interview with a Vampire" that always gave me the willies:

"This place is cursed, damned, and yes your master is the devil"

Here's one that is probably was at one time terrible but now is completely awesome. It comes from the film "Action Jackson" starring Carl Weathers. My friend says it constantly. Action Jackson has a flamethrower, and he points it at the bad guy, and right before he shoots him in the stomach with flame, he says:

"How do you like your ribs?"

That Is Where I Draw the Line

As many of my ex-girlfriends will tell you, I am dead inside. Well, they would say "emotionally distant", but what they really mean is dead inside. One of them, upon hearing of my aversion to animals, likened me to a serial killer.

I don't know if all of that is true, but when it comes to comedy I really have no sensitivity about anything. I never know when something is offensive, because I don't think anything is offensive. It's just words. Comedy words. They're jokes, who cares? Who gets offended by something a comedian says? I mean, really. Believe me, comedians are more miserable than anyone they are making fun of.

Every show I've written on has been different. Some shows, anything goes. Others are super sensitive. I was once reprimanded at the soup for a joke where I called someone (i forget who, probably britney or paris) a whore. At mencia, we called the executive producer "whore" and he loved it.

It just boggles my mind that people care about jokes. It's always unclear who the person is in America who is offended by stuff. Who complained about Janet Jackson's nipple? Who was it? We demand to know!

I read a girl's blog recently where she said that "rape jokes are never funny". Really? I find them hilarious. Sure, rape isn't funny, but rape itself is a funny word. A few years back, Pamie introduced me to the word "rapey". That's even better. And it's easy to get almost anyone to laugh if you throw prison in front of it. Who doesn't love a good prison rape joke? If it wasn't for prison rape, we wouldn't have "tossing salad", and where would we be as a nation without tossing salads? I love tossing salads. Well I don't love, well, once in awhile it can be an unexpected treat...

Anyway, as Seinfeld so eloquently says, "who are these people?"

I don't know. But I've recently realized that there is one thing that offends me. One. It's the one thing people joke about that makes me extremely uncomfortable, and I refuse to do it. It's not religion, or cancer, or Muhammed Ali. It's not even Magic and his AIDS. I love Magic more than anyone, we all owe him a huge debt for what he's done with the point guard position, inventing the high give, and delicious coffee in the ghetto. But I will make a Magic/AIDS joke. I made one last night.

It's none of those things. But it is a person with a disease. The one thing that offends me are jokes about:

Michael J. Fox.

The man was Alex P. Keaton. Alex P. Keaton, eldest of the Keaton clan. He was Marty Fucking Macfly. He was even both Brantley Foster AND Carlton Whitfield...in the same movie!

And it just breaks me up. I'm so sad for him. He was on Letterman the other night, and I couldn't watch. It's painful, the poor guy. He's so awesome. Why?! You couldn't have gone after Broderick, God?!

So I finally understand how those people feel. Anytime someone balks at one of my rape or AIDS jokes, I'll just think: Michael J. Fox is just like rape.

But I'm faced with a bit of a dilemma: my favorite little guy is now guest starring on my favorite show. That's right, Mr. J. Fox is on "Rescue Me". I will watch. I have to. And you should too. It starts Tuesday night on FX.

Just don't make any jokes about it.