It's the hometown visit episode. That means the girls don't have to hang out with each other anymore. Which is interesting, especially if you're a Michelle conspiracy theorist. She was only awesome when having to interact with the other girls on group dates, and now there are no more group dates. Maybe she was a plant for drama. Hmmm.
Brad is in New York. I wonder if this is as long as he's ever been away from his therapist. Brad goes through his experiences with each girl "in his mind". All guys have that mental rolodex, but we usually only use it for masturbating, not time-filling Bachelor montages.
The first hometown is with Chantal in Seattle. Wait, why was he in New York? Just a stop over? I'm confused.
Chantal looks a little better than we last saw her. But she might be wearing spanx. Spanx are the scourge of bachelors everywhere.
Chantal brags that she lives 4 streets away from her parents. Just what every fella wants to here. You mean my in laws can just walk over anytime they want? Yey! As an added bonus: she has 2 cats and a dog. Don't make me hate you, Chantal.
She lives in a house. Keep in mind she's a professional assistant. People never talk about the good part about being divorced.
Her dog is wearing a sweatshirt and has a tiny body and a giant head. It is a mutant dog. I have no idea what that thing is, but it is frightening. It's like one of those stuffed animals you can win in those machines at arcades, but alive.
Brad shares that he lives in a loft downtown that is tiny. Chantal isn't pleased. She's worried about closet space. She needs to be worried about that freak show of a dog.
Chantal takes Brad to her parent's house, and it is a fricking mansion. Dollar signs pop up in Brad's eyes, and he's immediately willing to forgive the dog and the cats and sell his bar and move to Seattle. Some research indicates that Chantal's dad played in the NFL. Here's some info:
He played defensive back at Cal, then the Seahawks. He now owns one of the Northwest's biggest auto empires with eight dealerships in Seattle, Tacoma, Bellevue and Kirkland.
Important note: Chantal's mom is skinnier than she is, and good looking. That has to be a great sign for Brad. Unfortunately, she has those strange, older lady fake boobs.
Chantal and her mom could do mother daughter porn and you wouldn't know which one to focus on. She's a good looking lady, is what I'm saying.
Oh boy, you'd think Chantal would be safe from the water works at home, but here they come. She cries talking to her mom about having the "love" feelings again. Her mom hugs her and gives her a kiss, uh oh, this is exactly how my porn scenario played out!
Brad and Chantal's dad bond over not having dads. Remember, this is the subject that Brad claims he never talks to people about. That's the only thing he talks about! Brad asks if Chantal is ready to settle down. Dad responds: "oh, she's been ready for a long time". Yikes.
Brad gets Chantal's dad's blessing and they awkwardly hug. Kinda funny. Chantal's dad loves Brad, and they do another hug, preceded by a strong, manly slap five handshake. I feel less heterosexual just watching it. These are men. Beefy, beefy men.
Brad doesn't want to leave Chantal. I can't believe people are still arguing with me that Chantal isn't going the distance. Chantal is ready, Emily is not.
2nd home visit is with Ashley in Maine. That's her hometown, but she doesn't live there now. It's worth saying again: I can't believe Ashley has made it this far. I don't care how oddly she says that she and Brad have "ssssparks!"
Wouldn't it make more sense for Brad to go from New York to Maine and work his way across the country? Ugh, if I think about the logistics and continuity issues here my head will explode.
Emily and Brad go to a restaurant, and she talks about her favorite dish, Putsin (sp?). It's basically fries with cheese and gravy. I think Chantal has been eating too much Putsin.
And yes, Putsin sounds dirty. Right now, Brad is going down on some Putsin. Lots of sex jokes tonight, people.
I guess the real question right now is: who gets eliminated tonight, Ashley or Shawntel? Judging from this date and the previews, I'd go with Shawntel.
You could fit Ashley's parents house into Chantal's entryway. And by entryway I mean her ass. Hey oh!
Ashley's family seem very chipper and goofy and fun. I thought Ashley's sister was wearing a weird shirt, but nope, she's got giant chest tattoos. Okay.
63% of Bachelor girls have better looking sisters.
They all eat giant lobsters. Cause it's Maine, that's all they have there.
Once again, I must mention how Brad shines in these situations. I think this is why I like him, because I am at my worst at these moments. But he can work a room.
For 2 minutes, everyone pretends like Ashley trying to be a dentist will ruin their relationship. Brad says "I'm wondering if I'm gonna hold Ashley back a little bit. I want her to follow her dreams, I want to support her, but that's a conversation Ashley and I need to have".
Uh, she's going to school to be a dentist, not an astronaut. I think she'll be all right, but I know how the grueling bar business can ruin your significant other's hopes and dreams.
3rd date, Chico, Ca with Shawntel. Again, New York to Seattle to Maine to California? That travel agent is ripping them off. Brad meets Shawntel at her funeral home. If I was her, I would tell the producers to screw off. I'm trying to marry this dude, not scare the shit out of him.
Did someone in the comments mention that Shawntel is blinky? Cause she is. She's giving DeAnna a run for her money, and that is saying something. It has to be affecting her vision.
Is "Welcome to Chico" an oxymoron? I might be using that term wrong.
Shawntel gives him a tour of the caskets, you know, normal hometown visit stuff. Then she shows him the crematorium. Brad says "if I'm with Shawntel, these are going to be our conversations...about death". I'm telling you, that therapist is working. Cause he is finally thinking clearly.
Brad lies on an embalming table and Shawntel gives a demonstration. It is extremely uncomfortable...for me. And also Brad. And America. The video for Thriller isn't as fun when it's the real thing.
Right now, Brad would kill to be knee deep in Putsin again.
God Damn, Brad has nice hair. And a nice body. My sister told me to mention that, I swear.
Shawntel is impressed with Brad. She says "oh my God, you can lie on a prep table. I've never had that before!" Why would you ever, ever want that before? That's how bad Chico is, the funeral home is like Nobu.
My made up statistics are never wrong: Shawntel has 2 good looking sisters. Okay, 1 and a half. If you put them together they make 1 good looking girl.
Shawntel is so cute sometimes. Other times, not. Her dad has a very creepy mustache. I think cops and funeral home directors have to have mustaches like that. And also pedophiles.
I don't know how I feel about a girl who wants to do the same job as her dad, especially when it's a funeral director and it's in Chico.
First, Shawntel's dad might be gay. Second, he starts guilting Shawntel about leaving Chico. Oh man. Poor Shawntel. No wonder she's still there. 90% chance this dude has a basement like the one at the end of "The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo" (how about that reference, ladies?).
Not to get too deep here, but you can't help but think about that whole nature vs. nurture thing. If Shawntel had Chantal's parents, she'd probably be...well, not a funeral director in Chico. Her family is holding her back, big time.
And finally, the date we've been waiting for: Emily. It's in Charlotte, North Carolina. Emily reunites with her daughter Ricky. She's a cute little blonde thing...and so is her daughter.
Wow. She has her dad's face! And I don't even know what her dad looks like. But she does. That's a little freaky. Ricky is afraid of Brad and hides on her mom's butt. She's 5 and almost taller than Emily.
Brad has a gift for her. I'm thinking it's a race car. Or a private jet. Nope, instead he goes with something that won't make them both cry: a kite.
But Ricky hates Brad at first. There's no way Brad is ready for this. He's from Texas. They only have kids with their own sperm there.
Here's a thought, Emily and Brad: maybe Ricky isn't shy because of Brad, maybe it's the 13 person TV crew in her bedrrom while she sleeps.
Emily has a nice house. I have a feeling if they get together, Brad needs to move to Charlotte and not the other way around. Think about them as a couple in Texas:
"Hey, I'd love to play some more candyland with the kid, but I have to go to the awesome bar I own and make sure they're letting enough hot chicks in".
Brad gives her a weird speech about how he's not gonna kiss her. Emily doesn't like it. She needs loving. It's been awhile, folks. He's creeped out by the kid, and I don't blame him. But still, it's Emily. Give up the goods!
Brad is about as uncomfortable as we've ever seen him, and that includes that time he dumped DeAnnna on national TV. Finally, Emily forces a kiss. Brad says "kissing this woman is so perfect". Well, if there was no kid up stairs it would be a little more perfect.
We're back in New York for the...
FINAL ROSE CEREMONY
Shawntel or Ashley? Shawntel.
However, Chantal looks awful right now. I cannot stress enough how bad she looks. She is wearing a red dress and looks like a nose tackle for the 49ers. Too much Putsin! Now I think there is no way she can win. It has to be Emily. I flip flop more than John Kerry.
ASHLEY - whoa! With the 1st rose? We're on upset alert.
EMILY - If he gets rid of Chantal my mind will be blown...
CHANTAL - all is right with the world.
I have a feeling they just ordered it like that for the drama of him saying Chantel/Shawntel.
Well, the city of Chico can breathe a sigh of relief. The Funeral home business will live on. Right now, Shawntel is thinking, "hmmm, I wonder if the crematorium was a bad idea".
The 3 remaining girls stand together, Ashley goes "that's scary, cause that's gonna be one of us next week". Emily gives her a look like, "it ain't gonna be me".
Shawntel has a graceful exit. There are some tears. And I feel like she saw a bigger potential for herself, and now she has to go back to her crappy life. Maybe this will allow her to bust out of her dad's dungeon/basement.
I love how she has nothing but glowing things to say about Brad.
Next week: South Africa! Lions! Tigers! Apartheid! Bachelor Copter! Fantasy suites!
Please give me the effort you gave last week with the comments. I loved it. Some topics: Chantal vs. Emily? Chantal's weight. What is Ashley doing here? Shawntel's dad. The funeral home debacle. Emily's kid and her lack of Emily genes.
Discuss!
30 comments:
Why did they let Chantal wear that horrendous red dress that made her look like she gained 20 lbs. I guess it didn't help that they made her stand next to two stick figures. Do these girls ever eat? I don't think the dentist ate any of those nasty fries -she was too busy inspecting Brad's mouth. BTW, Ashley's sister wants Brad more than Ashley does. Emily wants Brad to give her the hot beef injection....Brad stop acting like Ricky is going to come downstairs! The 13 man camera crew is too busy giving her kite lessons in her room. Poor Shawntel...her only chance to escape her weird life in Chico. As for Chantal..her dad was quick to give his blessing to a complete stranger...he was probably a couple of bottles deep by the time Brad got there and would do anything to get her off his back. These trips aren't as cool as last season. The only dangerous thing the guys last season only had to face was the deaf guy trying to speak Icelandic. These girls have to battle wild animals in Africa! Oh Brad I hope you are worth it!
I have been going with Emily FTW this whole time. Reason being, Brad likes the path of least resistance and he's worried Chantel is going to be too "emotional" in all the wrong ways. This time however, the kid became a reality and I think that although he says he wants to settle down, the kid (a dead guy's kid who looks like the dead guy, super awkward) is going to be harder to ignore than a few tears will be.
As far as the families went, Chantel's folks house was so noveau riche it was embarrassing. Does anyone give a shit about their carbon footprint? Shawntel's dad was probably gay and wow you are so right about them holding her back. Hopefully, she'll bail on them anyway. Taking over the family business is overrated esp. if it's a funeral home. One more thing, was Ashley always so chirpy? I had to turn the sound down when she was talking. Looking forward to Brad trying to pronounce apartheid.
Chantel is chuubbbyyyy. That's sort why I like her though. The fat girls never last long on this show. I think it's cute that Brad still likes her. I'd take a little chub with a pretty face over that five head Ashley is rocking. That girl gives me nightmares. I have an unhealthy hatred for her. Although Chantel isn't doing herself any favors by having that mutant dog. Don't get me started on the cats. She is one lonely girl. Sad when you think about it.
I feel bad for Emily's daughter. She'll never be as pretty as her mom. I've seen it before and it makes me really uncomfortable.
Ps. I love you as always
Chantal's Mom was totally rocking her audition for "Real Housewives of Seattle". Seems her parents couldn't care less what Chantal chose to do as long as they were getting the best lighting for their closeup.
Ashley is outta here next week. Brad wanted to hurl all over the Putsin. And who knew there was a French speaking Maine? Bachelor is good for my travel education.
Poor Shawntel, having to go back to the guilt and shame for even considering getting out of Chico. Can there be such a thing as reverse Oedipal complex? As in a dad in love with his daughter?
Brad will end up picking Emily, but they will have to move in to her abode. She and Ricky aint leavin that house anytime soon to be barmaids.
I couldn't wait for Tues morning and your recap! You never disappoint, Hack.
The Chantal hometown looked like a scene from a soap opera. Agreed on the real housewives audition. Red dress too terrible for words. Gaped in back, bunched in front. What was that line about pigs or dogs wrestling under someones skirt? Don't know...
Also, if Brad chooses Chantal will it be b/c he is looking for a father figure?
Is Shawntel too lovely and normal to be the bachelorette? How can I still not spell that after reading all of your recaps?
Emily is not bright enough to win. Although there was a spark of life during the kissing scene.
Loved the line about the dog being something you could pick up with the claw at the carnival. It really didn;t look alive.
It's totally gonna be Emily. He likes Chantal but he is completely mesmerized by Emily. However he is not ready for a 5-year-old. And how has he never dated someone with a kid? He's 38.
Chantal should not wear her hair up. Especially in a bun.
I'm so confused by Ashley's presence.
Poor Shawntel and her creepster dad. And he kept saying the "community" needed her. Oh yeah you know how communities are always rallying around their funeral homes.
Oh Brad, Brad, Brad. All that therapy and you are still attracted to drama? Shawntel has a freaky profession but that aside she seems the most easy-going of them all. What a shame he will end up with someone emotional. Because as you have noted, he's a catch, and he's going to be in the spotlight and women are going to be after him. How are these drama queens going to handle that?
It's "poutine" (pronounced poo-TEEN) but rest assured that I will call it Putsin from now on.
(Word verification is "apsyses", a common condition among Quebeckers who eat too much Putsin.)
Awesome recap as always and awesome comments from your readers. Its amazing that everything I think of and make fun of, you guys see it too. I seriously love it.
Hack, I agree with you that I think it's going to be Chantal in the end. He's mesmerized by Emily, but I don't think in the real world its going to be able to last. Chantal, to me, is the most real world scenario and relationship for him. And I really do like them together. (Minus that heinous dress and hairdo combo. Was she trying to be Asian? WTF)
Anyways, can't wait for next week's episode (and next week's recap).
Also, I must admit that I missed crazy Michelle's drama this week. It wasn't the same w/o her.
Helloooo Hack! Im a dude, and i'm going to keep my name anonymous because again..I am a dude and watch bachelor, i comment on your blog weekly and I'm a filthy disgusting pig just like you hack lol. But I'd like to say that #1.. Hack, bravo once again...you keep me laughing. #2 Hack if you are single you might want to start private messaging the women that comment on your blog. Some of them have their picture attached and they are smoking hot. I'd hammer off some knuckle children to them.
Some great points... camera crew watching the little girl sleeping... hilarious. Chantels parents are the richest people ever. I can see passed the chub for that mansion and money. I will miss Shawntell.. how come you never commented on her fat ass? She had A GREAT ONE! That will def be missed. Emily is hot.... but ricki got her dads face is so funny! hahaha I have nothing to say about ashley.... she does nothing for me.
Sorry for any grammar errors or spelling errors, I don't proof read. Until next week my friend...
Oh the red dress, not a good choice for Chantel, she really is pretty and that dress didn't do her a favor.
No way is Brad going to choose Emily and I pray that she is not the next Bachelorette cause she doesn't talk much. Can you imagine months of her? A world of no.
Chantal all the way.
First of all, I have a small obsession with you/your blog. I get almost as excited to read the blog as I do to watch the show.
I was totally not expecting Chantal's parents to live in a mansion. She always struck me as kind of white-trashy. Also, you would have thought she learned her lesson from Ali that national TV is probably the last place you want to pack on the pounds. The contrast between her in that green dress the first night and last night in the red one is shocking. Her and Brad seem somewhat natural together, but she's clearly daddy's little princess and high maintenance/clingy. I'm still on the fence about her. And, is it just me or does her father looks exactly like Donny Osmond?
Ashley really grates on my nerves and her voice makes me cringe. It makes me beg the question, are guys really into girls like this?? I get it, she's peppy, but it just seems a little over the top. I'm from a small town in Maine also and they actually featured an article on her in my local paper the other day, complete with pics from when she was on the highschool dance team. She looks exactly the same. I predicted the lobster dinner as soon as I knew they were going to Maine, always a crowd pleaser (but in my house it was always precluded with a race across the kitchen floor to see who got put in the pot first). Also, why in the world would she decide to go on the Bachelor right before she graduates from dental school? And how have her and Brad not talked about this yet? Definitely proves that ALL they ever talk about on their dates is how into each other they are. Or nothing at all, in some cases.
I was really warming up to Shawntel before this week. She seemed normal enough, if not a little desperate (but who isn't if they're going on the Bachelor?). The funeral thing was just too strange. I get she wanted to show off her "skills" and intelligence to him, but she definitely took it too far. Definitely weird dynamics in that family. But still sad in the end, this might have been her only chance to get out! I think she was way over the top idealizing Brad when she left, saying he was "perfect" blah blah. He may be good looking, and polite, but he is pretty boring too.
I thought the exact same thing about Emily's daughter- the dead fiance reincarnate! I do like the two of them together but I'm not sure Brad is ready for a child. I question the depth of their relationship- basically they are both good looking and talk slow, mostly about how much they like each other. Again, not expecting that house. Must have been a good life insurance policy!
Sorry, that post may have been excessive.
Great post as always, this is may favorite line
That's how bad Chico is, the funeral home is like Nobu.
Chantal's daddy ain't foolin no one with that awful dye job and mom is prettier than Chantal, cries less too.
Was Ashley's mother on meth? She was scooting all over the floor like a toddler.
Emily seemed annoyed with Brad's weird kiss rationale. I think he was attempting to impress her and it backfired.
I pick Em and Chubbs as final two, Forehead is out.
Hack, you have been stellar, can't wait til next week.
Michelle
At dinner at Shawntel's house, the food continuity was all messed up! The amount of food on their plates kept changing from scene to scene, even when someone was mid-sentence. Sometimes the meal would be done, sometimes nothing served yet, sometimes half-eaten... really made me wonder if this show is real... :)
you guys are coming strong this week. very enjoyable.
canadian pete, you are on top of it as always. but man, i swear she was putting an "s" in there every time she said it.
seems like there's a consensus that it's emily vs. chantal, and both are flawed. emily has the kid and not much to say, while chantal is gaining 10 pounds every week.
interesting note: if chantal "wins", emily is definitely the bachelorette. if emily wins, i'm not so sure that chantal is.
who would you rather have as the bachelorette: chantal, shawntel, or...michelle? and rise above your personal feelings about michelle to consider all of the crazy that she brings to the table.
I would choose Chantel. I would love to see how fat she gets by the end. Just like Ali. These girls just dont have tye genes to be skinny! Shawntel is soooo lame and boring. I would love to see Michelle as the bachelorette. It would turn it into more of "rock of love".
I'll clarify:
If you are non-Quebecois/non-French, its "poo-teen". If you are French-Quebecois, its "poo-tin". Ashley's pronunciation was close to the legit French-Quebecois way.
Ahh, the french.
I'm back to add that I fully support Shawntel as the next Bachelorette. I think the producers gave her the short end of the stick by making her job such a focus. We didn't go to any of the other girl's workplaces. She's easygoing, easy on the ears and it would help her escape from Chico and her dad, the King of the Creepsters. The problem with Michelle is that instead of merely sensing that this show is all bullshit, you'd know it for sure.
I’ve been reading your blog ever since you talked about Ali’s thighs and Maurice Jones-Drew in the same sentence. Priceless.
I still cannot get over Chantal’s appearance at the rose ceremony. She looked like 5 pounds of sausage in a 2 pound bag. Just awful!
And if I could refer back to the Costa Rica episode…no comment on Brad’s footwear? Those teva-esque mandals were all I could look at. That would be a deal breaker for me.
Look forward to your blogs every week. Thanks, Irwin!
Thoughts on the next Bachelorette candidate:
As much as I enjoy the entertainment value of Michelle Money, I think her season would quickly devolve into Bachelorette Pad. Or Cheaters.
Shawntell is a nice girl, but I don't think a lot of men will clamor for a date with a funeral director who's Daddy is ultimately gonna send her back to her room. She doesn't really have that "hot" factor either. She's too normal.
Emily is too boring and sweet. I don't think she could work a room and keep the asses in the seats.
Chantal would need some mood stabilizers and Jenny Craig and maybe she would be a decent B-ette.
Is it just me, or are there any others out there that think that Brad is a loser, overall? He is definitely buffed out, (probably did steroids before filming the show) and he is ruggedly decent looking, but omg what a lame conversationalist. Can you imagine being with him over an extended period of time? I would be bored to tears! He needs a momma and not a wife. As for the women, I think that I would have to pass on all three of them, again. No way with Ashley, her "giddyness" would drive me up the wall. Chantel may be "chubby" now, but that young lady will be downright "fat" in a few years. I might pick Emily depending on what happens on the overnight date ... unbelievably hot, and passion always wins out with us men ... it's just the way that we are wired.
GREAT BLOG, DUDE!!!
Regarding the red dress debacle, it really seems to me like that was a dress she bought before she gained weight from all the cry-eating.
I am so over Chantal. I liked her on their first 1-on-1 date, but then she got all weepy and lame. If she is the next bachelorette I'm not sure if I will watch. She drives me nuts. I would watch if it were Shawntell or Emily though. I was sad to see Shawntell go. I thought she was one of the good ones. Ashley is also too emotional and insecure for my likings, and I feel like she's trying to make Brad feel sorry for her because she's up against other girls. HELLO! You signed up for exactly that! As for Michelle, the only thing I really liked about her was her dress on the very first night. I vote for Emily. If Brad chooses Chantal, they will not last for one of two reasons: she will go crazy living more than 10 seconds from her family or she will be 200 pounds by After the Final Rose. Either way, it will be short lived.
Also, has anyone else noticed "the bachelor cycle?" Brad, DeAnna, Jason, Jillian, Jake, Ali, Brad. Too bad DeAnna's marrying pizza boy's twin, otherwise maybe she'd be an option for the next bachelorette.
I'm surprised noone has mentioned the fact that Emily's real family was not introduced to Brad. There's something strange going on with that. No way is Brad gonna propose to someone if he hasn't even met her parents, siblings, SOMEONE!
I agree that it was weird that we didn't meet anyone from Emily's world. I read on another board that the paternal grandparents are raising little Ricki which would explain why Ricki seemed shy with Emily too. It didn't seem like that was Emily's house. When Brad asked where the door was, she looked around like she didn't know.
yeah, i dropped the ball on not pointing out that brad didn't meet the rest of the family. but the focus was so much on that darn kid that other family members might have clouded the issue.
i don't think brad is a loser. i mean, he is good looking. he's successful. he doesn't say weird things. his personality is lacking, no doubt, but loser? i wouldn't go that far. boring? absolutely.
maybe the reason i like michelle as the bachelorette is because i love cheaters.
hey chickie, i remember writing that maurice jones drew reference and thinking no one would get it. thanks!
Okay ... i apologize ... "loser" was too strong ... but any independent woman, with a strong outgoing personality, would be too much for him. That boy comes with baggage and will always have issues. I think that Emily is the best choice for him ... not real bright, not a strong personality, needs to be taken care of, and did i mention ... gorgeous!
agreed, richard.
I can't believe that no one mentioned the fact that Emily's child kept sucking her thumb, the child is still not okay, she has been oversheltered and is not prepared to have her mother marry at this point, nor is Emily ready. She is too faky for me, hope Brad realizes that and dumps her next week, noooooo way that is going to work, also the family..or lack of..there being there...definetely something going on there..ruuuuuuuuuuun Brad!!!!!
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